The End of an Era

Yesterday was a sad day.

Five years ago I was an unemployed freshly graduated college student. I had no job and no direction. Based on the recommendation of my old friend Alex, I decided to apply at North Cove Outfitters. It was perfect. I learned all about the wide world of outdoor gear. (How I wish I knew about synthetic baselayers and gore-tex membranes when I was freezing my butt off during field classes in college). Over the next 5 years I worked at North Cove between field jobs. I can't express how grateful I have been to have a job that will always take me back with welcome arms. Sometimes I am gone on my bird chasing adventures for a year at a time. Long story short, North Cove is my second home, and my coworkers are my second family.

Yesterday it was revealed to us that North Cove Outfitters will be closing its doors after 23.5 years in business. It was a sad day for those of us who work there. Now that the news is out it will be a sad day for all of the store's loyal customers. I started the day blissfully unaware of the closure, and ended the day hanging giant yellow and red "Store Closing" signs all over the store. That was certainly not how I had expected my day to go..

Why I Hate the Keurig Machine

Several years ago, some of my relatives were proud to show me their fancy new Keurig coffee makers. I was immediately appalled at the dozens of miniature plastic cups they so proudly displayed on their cutesy little K-cup "trees".  I had hoped that this fad would wear off quickly, but it has not. Several years later the machines have seemingly taken over every home in America. 

As a an environmentalist at heart, I immediately shun the thought of all these single serve, non-recyclable plastic cups. Whenever I express this concern to any Keurig owner, they immediately say "Oh don't worry, Keurig makes a re-usable stainless steel filter cup!". That's just fine and dandy, except that NOT ONE OF YOU ACTUALLY USE IT. Jerks. 

In 2011, over 5 BILLION K-cups were bought. That's 5 BILLION non-recyclable plastic cups rotting in our landfills. I know Keurig states that they are "working on" recyclable options but honestly, recyclable cups only do good if people actually recycle them. We know americans aren't the best recyclers. 

I was also disappointed to see that Green Mountain Coffee owns Keurig now. As a young college activist, I had worked closely with Green Mountain executives to help me get my university on board with fair trade coffee. As you may or may not know, coffee farmers rarely get paid a livable wage for their product. Often coffee farmers turn to growing more illegal crops in order to support their families. Fair Trade coffee ensures coffee farmers get a fair wage for their product. I guess I had assumed that since Green Mountain is socially responsible, and based in the  Green Mountains of Vermont, that they would be environmentally responsible as well. 

My last gripe with the Keurig machine is that the COFFEE IS NOT GOOD. Every cup of coffee I have had from a Keurig machine is weak, and barely fills the cup. And should you decide to change the setting to make a bigger cup, it gets even weaker. I fail to see the attraction of the Keurig machine. 

If you need me I'll be at Cumberland Farms or Dunkin Donuts with my re-usable mug....

Things I Miss About Being A Child

It is 7:55 am on a Saturday morning. I am currently watching the Penguins of Madagascar cartoon on Nick (That's Nickelodeon to those of us from older generations).

If I were a child, I would be able to lay here comfortably enjoying cartoons for the next few hours. Instead I am anxiously watching the clock. I must get up and get ready for work. I also have to account for time to clear the frost and snow off of my car because it is indeed winter.  Fortunately the snow only amounted to a light dusting, so clean up will be quick today.

Winter to a child means 2 things: SNOW DAYS and sledding. Winter to an adult means 2 things: SHOVELING and a longer commute to work. The child in me loves to wake up and see a freshly fallen blanket of snow. And as I am shoveling, the child in me finds some pleasure in making mini snowmen along the way. It doesn't take long for the adult in me to quickly become annoyed as I shovel my way to my car. It is usually the town's dim-witted plow truck driver plowing my car into a snow bank that sets me off. By the time I get to work in a snow storm I find myself angry and cursing mother nature for ever inventing such an evil substance. Were I still a child, I could still look upon snow as a blessing from above. Perhaps if grown-ups got snow days and were allowed to go sledding all day I would retain that childlike admiration.


I would say that I miss exploring the woods and playing outside all day long, however I as an adult I have managed to find a way to get myself paid for exploring outside all day.  As a child I was never really happy being stuck indoors and I never grew out of it. Next month I will return to field work and it will be glorious.

And now I must go get ready for work... (Indoor work selling outdoor gear).

The Internet is Scary.

Recently, while attempting to internet stalk my missing cousin, I discovered some frightening things about the internet. Not only did the magical internet find lots of records for my cousin, but it knew we were related. When I clicked on my own name, I was even more disturbed to see how much the internet knows about me.

There are a number of directory "aggregate" sites which compile information about you. I am currently in the process of deleting my name and info from as many sites as possible. One of the scariest is called spokeo.com. This website knows your age, your address (and any prior addresses). It knows your relatives, your phone number, and scariest of all, it shows a google image of your house. It also tells your credit score and the value of your home. It's disturbing. So far I have discovered this is the way to remove yourself from spokeo.com

Here's how to remove your name:

1. Go to Spokeo.com and type in your name.
2. Copy the URL when it brings up your information
3. Go to the bottom of the page and click on "privacy"
4. Paste the URL in the box provided
5. Include your email address (it gives you further instructions via email)
6. Enter the code
7. Go to your email and click on the link they provide to you
8. Confirm the directory listing has been deleted
9. Go back to Spokeo.com and put in your name to be sure it was deleted

Do yourself a favor and start googling yourself. So far I have removed myself from mylife.com and spokeo. I am in the process of trying to remove myself from peekyou.com

I am learning quickly that there is an endless supply of information about me on the internet. If all these "aggregate" sites are getting all my info there must be more out there than I will ever know about. 

Dear Alyssa Milano...

Dear Alyssa Milano,


Please stop begging me for money to save the children. I appreciate the work you are doing for UNICEF, but I do not have any money to spare. Last week I sold all my jewelry to put gas in my tank and food in my stomach. This week I had to spend all of my christmas money on an awesome trip to a walk-in clinic on new year's eve because of my sinus infection from hell.

Long story short, Alyssa, I do not have 50 cents a day to send you to feed that adorable little starving child. Begging me at every single commercial break is not going to change the fact that I do not have any money to send you. Please stop. Seriously.

I bet you are still earning royalties for Who's the Boss and Charmed re-runs. And I see you are now making Lifetime made-for-TV movies. I am sure you can spare enough change for the both of us.

While you're at it, tell Sarah Mclachlan to knock it off with the ASPCA commercials. I give all my spare change to the animal shelter whenever I see a donation can around town. Singing sappy songs and showing injured puppies does not make me want to donate it makes me want to change the channel.

Sincerely,
  Audrey

Field Guide to Annoying Customers

Here is a guide to identifying common customers of the New England Region during the holiday season and all year round.

1. The Needy Rich Woman (Overwealthius painintheasseae)

This customer will usually be shopping alone. In fact this customer is probably alone all the time because her husband can't stand her and her children probably prefer to spend time with their nanny who actually raised them.

This customer will find the first sales associate who will listen and immediately cling to them, probably calling them by name. They will insist that the associate help them find clothes for themselves and their family. They will most likely ask the associate to model some item of clothing, claiming that they are the same size as their son or daughter. Being asked to model clothing for someone will generally give you a creepy and uncomfortable feeling.

The Needy Rich Woman has way too much money for her own good, yet will continue to demand to know whether the item she is looking at is on sale, or will be soon. Often the Needy Rich Woman will be dressed in a style similar to a homeless person, despite their vast wealth and ability to buy nice clothing. No scientists have been able to determine the cause for this behavior.

The most puzzling behavior of the Needy Rich Woman is her need to come return the items she has purchased. I am deducing that this is just a reason to return to the store, and reunite with the sales associate with which they have imprinted upon.

While the Needy Rich Woman is actually harmless, do try to stay away. Once they have imprinted, they will return often to monopolize your time and patience.



2. The Clueless Husband (Cluelessius moronius)


The Clueless Husband will inevitably wait until the last possible second to shop for his wife. This phenomena occurs before all major holidays, particularly Valentines Day, Mother's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas and/or Hanukah.

The Clueless Husband can typically be seen holding up two completely unmatching items trying to determine if they could possibly go together. If he catches a glimpse of you, he will immediately look you up and down to see if you resemble his wife enough to try on the items he has selected. If you are unfortunate enough to roughly match the physical aspects of his wife, he will then demand you try the items on. He will then proceed to stare at you with a puzzled look, because of course men are completely incapable of selecting women's clothing. I have yet to figure out why they still try.

Eventually, he will select a few items he thinks his mate will like. When he gets to the register he will either demand gift wrapping of the items, or he will give the cashier a sad face. Some cashiers are immune to the Clueless Husband, others will give in and neatly place the items in gift boxes for him. It is almost guaranteed that the items will be exchanged or returned the next day or soon after. As the Clueless Husband is incapable of accurately picking out women's clothing, the wife will surely be in to correct his mistakes.



3. The Heinous Bitch (Personus terriblis)


The Heinous Bitch is a special kind of customer. This customer, while typically female, can occasionally present themself as a male.

The female form will almost certainly immediately give themselves away. They can not even pretend to be nice. They will be completely impatient, irrational and rude. If you do not have the item they seek, this will only irritate them further. If they make it so far as the purchasing stage, they will most likely be sure to make a complaint about another employee or the store in general. You will quickly learn that this customer is completely impossible to please. Your best bet is to just smile and try to get them out of there as quickly as possible. The Heinous Bitch will go out of her way to ruin your day. Do your best not to let them get to you.

Little more need be said about the Heinous Bitch. If you work in food service, go ahead and spit in their food. Those of us in retail are unable to get our revenge.



4. The Terrible Parent (Parentus nonexistentius)


The Terrible Parent will blow your mind. Their children will run freely through out the store, doing whatever they please. The Terrible Parent does not care. In fact, they seem to bring their children to the store for this very reason. If the children are off running somewhere, they need not be bothered with them for a period of time.

The children will be loud, obnoxious, and unruly. They will run around the store, knock things down, and touch things they shouldn't. The Terrible Parent will either not notice or not care. Often, the offspring will demand The Terrible Parent buy them things. They will of course give in, as they have never said no to their offspring before. Why would they start now?

By the time this clan is ready to leave the store, you are probably ready to chase them out with a shot gun. Try to resist the urge. While The Terrible Parent lacks parental instincts, they will still defend their offspring against major threats. Remain patient until they have left the building.



5. The Complete Imbecile (Personus stupidus)


Sometimes, a customer will come in and ask you a question that is so stupid you have to hold your breath in order not to laugh in their face. You might think they are joking but they are not. This is The Complete Imbecile.

They are a harmless species. They have no ill intentions. They are just dumb. It's not their fault.

Just unscrew the water bottle top and instruct them how to drink.

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Those are just a few of the commonly seen customers of the region. We will discuss The Long Winded Talker, The Cheap Bastard, and The Overprivileged Young Man at a later date.

Christmas Music I Don't Hate

Here is the only christmas song that does not make my left eye twitch...