Field Guide to Annoying Customers

Here is a guide to identifying common customers of the New England Region during the holiday season and all year round.

1. The Needy Rich Woman (Overwealthius painintheasseae)

This customer will usually be shopping alone. In fact this customer is probably alone all the time because her husband can't stand her and her children probably prefer to spend time with their nanny who actually raised them.

This customer will find the first sales associate who will listen and immediately cling to them, probably calling them by name. They will insist that the associate help them find clothes for themselves and their family. They will most likely ask the associate to model some item of clothing, claiming that they are the same size as their son or daughter. Being asked to model clothing for someone will generally give you a creepy and uncomfortable feeling.

The Needy Rich Woman has way too much money for her own good, yet will continue to demand to know whether the item she is looking at is on sale, or will be soon. Often the Needy Rich Woman will be dressed in a style similar to a homeless person, despite their vast wealth and ability to buy nice clothing. No scientists have been able to determine the cause for this behavior.

The most puzzling behavior of the Needy Rich Woman is her need to come return the items she has purchased. I am deducing that this is just a reason to return to the store, and reunite with the sales associate with which they have imprinted upon.

While the Needy Rich Woman is actually harmless, do try to stay away. Once they have imprinted, they will return often to monopolize your time and patience.



2. The Clueless Husband (Cluelessius moronius)


The Clueless Husband will inevitably wait until the last possible second to shop for his wife. This phenomena occurs before all major holidays, particularly Valentines Day, Mother's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, and Christmas and/or Hanukah.

The Clueless Husband can typically be seen holding up two completely unmatching items trying to determine if they could possibly go together. If he catches a glimpse of you, he will immediately look you up and down to see if you resemble his wife enough to try on the items he has selected. If you are unfortunate enough to roughly match the physical aspects of his wife, he will then demand you try the items on. He will then proceed to stare at you with a puzzled look, because of course men are completely incapable of selecting women's clothing. I have yet to figure out why they still try.

Eventually, he will select a few items he thinks his mate will like. When he gets to the register he will either demand gift wrapping of the items, or he will give the cashier a sad face. Some cashiers are immune to the Clueless Husband, others will give in and neatly place the items in gift boxes for him. It is almost guaranteed that the items will be exchanged or returned the next day or soon after. As the Clueless Husband is incapable of accurately picking out women's clothing, the wife will surely be in to correct his mistakes.



3. The Heinous Bitch (Personus terriblis)


The Heinous Bitch is a special kind of customer. This customer, while typically female, can occasionally present themself as a male.

The female form will almost certainly immediately give themselves away. They can not even pretend to be nice. They will be completely impatient, irrational and rude. If you do not have the item they seek, this will only irritate them further. If they make it so far as the purchasing stage, they will most likely be sure to make a complaint about another employee or the store in general. You will quickly learn that this customer is completely impossible to please. Your best bet is to just smile and try to get them out of there as quickly as possible. The Heinous Bitch will go out of her way to ruin your day. Do your best not to let them get to you.

Little more need be said about the Heinous Bitch. If you work in food service, go ahead and spit in their food. Those of us in retail are unable to get our revenge.



4. The Terrible Parent (Parentus nonexistentius)


The Terrible Parent will blow your mind. Their children will run freely through out the store, doing whatever they please. The Terrible Parent does not care. In fact, they seem to bring their children to the store for this very reason. If the children are off running somewhere, they need not be bothered with them for a period of time.

The children will be loud, obnoxious, and unruly. They will run around the store, knock things down, and touch things they shouldn't. The Terrible Parent will either not notice or not care. Often, the offspring will demand The Terrible Parent buy them things. They will of course give in, as they have never said no to their offspring before. Why would they start now?

By the time this clan is ready to leave the store, you are probably ready to chase them out with a shot gun. Try to resist the urge. While The Terrible Parent lacks parental instincts, they will still defend their offspring against major threats. Remain patient until they have left the building.



5. The Complete Imbecile (Personus stupidus)


Sometimes, a customer will come in and ask you a question that is so stupid you have to hold your breath in order not to laugh in their face. You might think they are joking but they are not. This is The Complete Imbecile.

They are a harmless species. They have no ill intentions. They are just dumb. It's not their fault.

Just unscrew the water bottle top and instruct them how to drink.

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Those are just a few of the commonly seen customers of the region. We will discuss The Long Winded Talker, The Cheap Bastard, and The Overprivileged Young Man at a later date.

Christmas Music I Don't Hate

Here is the only christmas song that does not make my left eye twitch...

It's Christmas in Retail...

Well it's that magical time of the year where people start buying shit they don't need for people who don't want it.

Just a note to all you holiday shoppers- don't yell at the sales girl who is only trying to help you. (I know your name and address and I WILL mail you a box of dog poo if you keep up the attitude lady). Also- I hope you caught my illness when you asked me to repeat myself five times though you clearly saw that I could hardly speak you crazy bitch.

Merry Freakin Christmas.

Happy Halloween?

Halloween in CT this year did not go as planned. Not just for myself, but for the entire state.

I am not going to complain about my situation, as I never lost power during the random unexpected October blizzard. About 950,000 homes and businesses lost power as a result of the storm (According to the Associated Press). As of yesterday, the numbers had dropped to about 500,000 which is certainly better but not ideal. Fortunately the temperatures have not been dropping too low this week, but its still too cold to be sleeping in a house with no power. They say 99% of people will have their power back by Sunday but we'll see what happens.

The saddest moment of my Halloween weekend was not really having anywhere to wear my custom made Piping Plover costume, which took me two weeks to compile. I put it on twice, for like an hour each time. Oh well. I will save it for next year! Maybe I will make myself a green flag as well. Right now you can't tell if I am a Missouri River or Platte River plover, how embarassing!

Ode to My Little Silver Car

In September of 2004 I made the difficult decision to sell my '92 Honda Civic hatchback in order to buy my '00 Honda Civic hatchback. It was tough to see my little red car go, but she lived a long happy life with a very nice family in Pennsylvania. She lived well into her 200,000's.

I purchased my beautiful '00 silver beauty with a mere 20,867 miles on her from a Saturn Dealer in Harrisburg, PA. I paid cash and brought her home the same day. It was love at first sight and I am happy to report we are now celebrating our 7 year anniversary together.

Little Car has driven me back and forth across the country east to west and north to south and back again. Currently, she has 168,000 miles on her and she has a lot of life left in her.

For 6 months we lived in Albuquerque. She loved it there:

A view from our front yard in New Mexico.

Unfortunately Little Car suffered some severe trauma on Cinco de Mayo in 2005. I was slated to drive back to CT that week, but I got myself into a bit of trouble, as you can see below:

Ouchies.

Thank goodness for car insurance, that's all I have to say about that.


She has put up with all my abuse for 7 years now. She has survived hurricanes, tornados, dust storms, hail the size of golf balls, floods, and blizzards. She has been nearly totalled twice. She has driven me across 41 states and back again, adding up to nearly 150,000 miles. I hope she never dies.

Little Car checking out the flood waters in South Dakota

Ways to annoy a wildlife biologist :

As a seasonal wildlife biologist, I encounter a lot of people with a lot of questions..

"I saw a bird, it was big and brown. What was it"? Seriously people, get a bird guide.

"When are you going to get a real job"? (Because monitoring the health of our worlds ecosystems and tracking endangered species is not a "real" job). Would you prefer I work at some call center somewhere? That's clearly more important.

"Is this ever going to turn into a full time position"? Apparently other people jump right out of college into full time careers. Because people ask me this all the time as if no one else does internships or has to work their way up the ladder. Furthermore- I am 27 years old. I do not have kids. I do not own property. Right now I get paid to live and work in some of the most beautiful places in our country. I don't have to pay for housing. If you ask me, my life is pretty sweet.

Yesterday someone asked me "have you ever considered working for the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Agency? Have you ever heard of that"? No Sir, I have never heard of the government agency responsible for managing our nation's wildlife. Apparently wildlife biologists come across as really stupid.

" I rescued a baby bird in my yard, what should I feed it"? Newsflash people - you did not "save" that baby bird. Actually you just signed it's death warrant. I appreciate that you want to help, but next time consult a professional before you "help". Wildlife rehabilitators are already swamped nurturing "rescued" baby squirrels and bunnies. These poor souls never sleep as it is dont make their job harder. Leave the bird alone he is trying to learn to fly!!

"I saw a piping plover in my driveway". No you didn't it was a killdeer.

"I'm tired of these birds getting more government attention than people". I usually don't even respond to these types Of asinine comments. Right, the few million dollars dedicated to endangered species management totally outweighs the billions spent on all things human. Go fuck yourselves people. And while you're at it, quit bitching about not being able to drive on the beach. Seriously, these birds need three months to rear their young. Get over yourselves and wait til august to fish from your tailgate you fat lazy fuck. Or, *gasp* WALK to fish.

Lastly- I am not a vet, or a wildlife rehabilitator, I don't work at a zoo, and I don't know whats wrong with your dog. I am a wildlife biologist. I monitor endangered and non-game wildlife species, and I assess ecosystem health. I work to remove invasive Plant species to restore native ecosystems. I do a lot more things than that. I drive boats I drive trucks I drive atvs. I enter data and I write reports. I trap birds, I band birds, I weigh them and measure them. The duties of a wildlife biologist are seemingly endless. But at the end of the day, I consider myself one of the luckiest people on the planet because I love what I do.

Happy Birthday To Me

Yesterday was my birthday. I drank too much rum. Cheddar enjoyed himself as well.

That would be MY sleeping bag and Thermarest pillow.

My 3 best friends in the whole wide world got together and we had a slumber party. Yes, 27 year olds CAN still have slumber parties. We've been doing this for like 12 years now we're pretty good at it.

Myself, Barb, Angie and Sam